OK so first let me say I'm sorry I haven't been more active here... the first day it launched I told myself I'd be involved in posting everyday and this would be great. Well, as I'm sure you know, life can get hectic with little ones, especially when it's a single parent situation. Anyway, there was an "encounter" this morning and I handled it the best way I could at the time but driving home I couldn't get to this group fast enough and I am in serious need of your input here. OK, deep breath and wiping away the tears, this is what happened.... This morning I dropped my 4 year old off at daycare. It was a happy day. She was in a good mood, we giggled on the car ride over and sang silly songs. I got her in to school and placed her bag on her hook and turned around to see that she already left my side to go play. She was climbing up on the swing as I waved goodbye, blew her a kiss, and did "I love you" in sign language.
I got to my SUV in the parking lot just as another mom was coming in. She jumped out really fast and was calling to me, "Excuse me. Ma'am" so I walked over to her and she asked if I was Lexi's mom. I said I was and I saw her twins get out of her SUV. She proceeded to tell me that her daughter (whom my daughter says is her best friend) came home several weeks ago and informed her that she didn't want to be black anymore. She said she questioned her daughter about it and her daughter said that she wanted to be white like Lexi because Lexi was beautiful. She said she told her daughter that black was beautiful too but that still wouldn't change her mind. I think she was complimenting my daughter but it breaks my heart that a child feels she must be white to be beautiful?! I didn't know what to say. I was literally speechless (and those that know me know that doesn't happen to often, lol). Anyway, her daughter was still standing there and I told her that Lexi and I think she is beautiful just the way she is.
I felt so awkward and literally left in tears. First and foremost because I never want ANY child to ever feel they're not worthy but I was also hurt because now I have the feeling that the other mom thinks I am racist and that couldn't be farther from the truth. I've heard people (who are obviously racist) try to defend themselves and say "Well I have so and so as a friend and he/she is black/hispanic/yellow/insert color of your choice." I don't see the need to defend myself but how do I let this mom know that I have a good heart? I deal with all walks of life and I've just gotten to a point in my life where I don't see color. It doesn't occur to me to stop and think about the color of someone's skin. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and EVERYONE is more than just skin. There's this whole person UNDER that skin and that is what I see.
Should I have said more than telling the little girl that she's beautiful (and she is. She is kinda shy but she has this smile that is just so genuine.) I think it's who the person is on the inside that makes them beautiful on the outside... if someone is happy, loved, taken care of, whatever it shines through in their smile and in the twinkle in their eyes. The most beautiful people have a smile that lights up the room, the twinkle that shines like glitter and you can almost hear the song in their heart.
So, how? How do you respond to being told that a child wants to be white because "white is beautiful" and where did that come from? Every color is beautiful. Guys, I am totally at a loss here. I don't know if I handled this properly.... I really feel I should have said more... but I don't know what.
So I'd love it if you'd chime in and tell me how you would have handled it or what I should do when I see the mom again. And WHY in this day and age are our four year olds even talking about the color of their skin???
I'm going to bed now (gotta love night shift)... I hope I can sleep. This really bothers me yall.

I think you handled it well.

I think this is a huge issue for us as adults because we are so blatantly aware of racism and the pain and suffering it caused in the past, and continues to cause - and we are acutely sensitive to it and of course (one would hope), we don't want our kids displaying anything that could ever be construed as racism.

My guess is that the kids aren't aware of all the 'baggage' that comes with identifying differences in skin colour and I would hope that this was a whim - tomorrow it might be that this little girl doesn't want to wear green anymore because she thinks pink is prettier?

My 3 year old daughter pointed out to me at Publix that the young black guy bagging our groceries had 'dirty hands' - I was mortified - absolutely mortified - I calmly explained - no it's not dirty - that's the colour of his skin. We had a conversation on the way home that people come in many different colours, shapes and sizes.

She is innocent to the issues of race and racism - yet my own nervousness about it is what made the situation so embarrassing for me - once I took a step back and looked at it as an opportunity to reinforce in my daughter's mind that people are people no matter how they look, and encourage her to accept people and all their differences, I felt a little better.

It's hard though.

I'm wondering why the other kid's mom sought you out though? Was she simply telling you a story, or was she upset?

Edited to add: If it's really really bothering you, I'm sure you can be honest with the other mom and tell her exactly that - but I wouldn't get into a big convoluted discussion about it - sometimes that can make things more complicated than they need to be you know?

You were caught off guard thats for sure. Was this other mother upset or just telling you what her daughter said?
You did just what I think everyone else would do in that situation.
This other mother should know by now, you never know what a 3 or 4 year old is going to say! She really shouldn't have even approached you about it.

I am guessing that these two girls are in the same "class" at the daycare...I would make sure their teacher knows about the exchange that took place. The teacher can then be more aware of what the children are saying and can try to help teach them the "everyone is beautiful" lesson and help foster self esteem.

My daughter has a very multicultural class at her preschool, and I am very grateful of that. She started noticing right away that people look different and would say "JT is black, Mommy" and we would talk about how that is just one of the many things that makes JT unique just like her red hair is different from the other girls in her class.

I want her to appreciate everyone's differences without dwelling on them. Make sense?

I think you handled the situation very well, and I really do not think the other mother considers you racist...your daughter was not the one that told her daughter she wasn't as pretty becuase she is black.

I think I would have cried right there if my daughter said she didn't want to be herself anymore because she isn't as pretty or look exactly the same as someone else.

quote:

And WHY in this day and age are our four year olds even talking about the color of their skin???

You handled it just fine, did beautifully, and you're just reacting to how you know you'd feel if it were your child feeling conflicted about their perception of what makes someone beautiful. I know anytime my kids have had self~esteem questions or issues with, it bothers me like nobody's business, and sometimes reassurance to the contrary don't mean as much coming from Mom (who they think has to love them. And with kids, self~esteem issues will arise from time to time, no matter how lovingly you parent.

But back to your situation, you ask why a four year old would talk about skin color or such, well, it's simple really, that's when they start noticing and being able to really verbalize questions they might have ~ whether it's an issue of why does my body work like this or look like that, whatever it is, they will ask. And often enough, they pick odd times to do so too. It's just whenever and whatever occurs to them at that moment.

There's really nothing better we can do, than as a parent teach our kids to accept and or value the differences in other people from all walks of life.

We can't change the world and have everyone be as accepting of others, although we can speak out when we see prejudice, and we can teach our kids what's important lies within, not without, as you said.

Other than that, Vegasmom had a good idea, perhaps mentioning it to the teacher could be helpful, as a class discussion or lesson might be a good option, or at least the teacher if aware of the issue, would be more alert for opportunity to answer questions or mediate herself. Authority figures of any sort can often have more impact on a young mind, to good or ill effect depending on the quality of the teacher. So, if any teacher uses their impact in the positive, right ways, it can make an important difference. Anyone who influences a child, (parent, teacher, or otherwise) in fact, influences the world at large at some point in time.

What we teach our kids now, makes the world what it is tomorrow.

I think what you said to the little was a good way to handle the situation right then. I think if you make a bigger deal about it to the other mother then she may feel uncomfertable. I think telling the teacher is an awesome idea!
I am white and my husband is hispanic, my daughter looks very much like her dad and not at all like me. She never had any comments or questions about how she or anyone else looked, untill 2 weeks after kindergarden started and she came home in tears b/c a little girl told her she couldn't be her friend b/c she was brown, then she told me she wishes she was white like me...I had to fight to hold back the tears!! I told her that everyone is diferent and that is what makes everyone have their own beauty. I told her that she should just be nice to the other girl and maybe she will come around. She is now 8 and in 2nd grade she will befriend anyone but still has some problems with other kids saying something inappropriate. She normaly just lets it go. She came home crying for the first time since kindergarden 2 days ago b/c a black boy in her class told her she had an ugly white mom. I told her it was ok people can have their own Opinion, and that we know that we are beautiful and have people that love us.

Thank you everyone for responding. I really appreciate your opinions!!
From what the mom told me the teachers were aware as were "several of her friends" and she said she told my mother (it was then determined that she told my daughter's paternal grandmother who had accompanied my daughter on a field trip LAST MONTH). I guess she didn't say anything to me about it because she knows race is not an issue with our family (her husband is black). But I'm still perplexed with this situation. The other mother was laughing the whole time she was telling me the story but this is something she has been holding onto for over a month to tell me.
So now, several hours after this encounter I am feeling like my daughter and I haven't done anything wrong and if the other mom has an issue then it is hers to deal with. I will continue to teach my daughter to accept and love everyone and encourage her to celebrate everyone's differences; after all variety is the spice of life.
Again, ladies, thank you so much for your words!!!

Hi, Jen,

I am so sorry to hear of your upset. It sounds like you did very well and others here have offered good advice. And your response with it all makes the world of difference, not only with this other mother, but with Lexi, too. In how she sees herself and others in the world. I think you handled it well and should give yourself a huge pat on the back! Plus, I do think that how the other mother handled it with her own daughter and the manner in which she did is her thing, as you said.

I agree, this is an age when children notice details and differences. Our younger son recently asked the young man who was helping us with our groceries why his skin was black and brown. I initially wasn't sure what he was saying myself but when I realized I just reminded him that God made us all unique and special in different ways, pointing out how our older son has different colored eyes than us, that we are different shapes and sizes, and that God gave them each, our boys, different strengths and gifts, as He has everyone else. He was perfectly fine with that as he is with every other question or observation he makes, unless we don't know the answer or the answer doesn't fit his thinking, then we hear about it until we provide one or a better one. lol

I think you did an excellent job and I also agree with Cindy and Abby in that children don't understand what defines terms and making sure the teachers know helps. I am glad to read they do.

ChannelPrincess, I am surprised and maybe naive that kids do discuss skin color. Exposures like cartoons address all colors of skin these days. Ryan never skipped a beat when it came to seeing people of different colors when out and about.

I can see how it could have been an uncomfortable situation. You telling the little girl she is beautiful in her own rite was the best thing you could have done. Don’t worry about your reply. You did good!

I hope Lexi’s friend will find beauty within herself. I also hope this is a self esteem issue more than a race issue. I think all kids go through exploration of wanting a different physical trait. I have brown/green eyes, how I wished for blue eyes and straight hair as a kid! As we get older we mostly grow into ourselves and accept who we are physically and mentally. I wish for this little girl pride in herself and her color.

I had lunch with some friends last week and one of them is a gorgeous black lady with very dark black skin. Lilly sat beside her during lunch and rubbed her arm and said she was -So pretty. I think Lilly was drawn to her because she is a pretty lady but I do think Lilly was realizing her rub victim was a lot darker than the other ladies. I think the difference intrigued her.