1st and formost I am not comparing what we do but I am having trouble in my mind

I am a SAHM trying to keep my sanity I have always been the hard worker mangeing people and getting things done moving up the chain of comand a any job I had.

Now I feel that the SAHM is made to feel not good enough from society. but on the same note If we choose to go to work we get looked down apon for not staying at home and raising our children and taking care of the family.

My delema is I only have one child Van Who I love more than anything in the world I spend more time with him than anything so I feel guilty for not getting the simple things done like house work Laundry, gardening, vacuuming etc.. I pretty much just make Breakfast lunch and dinner,,
I see moms who do everything and go to work tell me how you do it I can't seem to manage myself for anything I have weeks where I can do it all then the very next I am completely hormonal, can't peel me off the floor with the baby.
Since I made the decision to be SAHM We have been Financally strapped, and I believe it would be worse If I worked becaue daycare would just eat my paycheck, so I believe we made the right decision but I just cannot come to terms with the fact that (as my husband says) my jobs is equally if not more important than his he brings in the money but I am MOM.
I can say my Job is the most important but inside I feel like I need to do more. I was raised to be independent, maybe its haveing to rely on someone

I feel like I lost my identy How do I get it back or like who I am now. Has any one else felt that way if so How did you get thru it?

Sorry for being so long winded I just don'tknow how to get out what I feel.

I think most SAHMs go through this. I also have good weeks where I have the house clean, dinners done, and the kids playing happily. Then there are weeks were I am lucky if I get one or two things done in the house, and I would much rather be playing with the kids than recovering my disaster. I think we forget that we had ruts at work where you didn't feel appreciated, worthy, etc. It amounts to the same thing, except we don't have the final outcome of a paycheck to look at. It helps me to hang out with my friends that are stay at home moms, I realize that we are doing what's right for our families and the payoff is worth it. I tell my husband that I miss the praises, the drive to move up, etc from working outside of the house. He doesn't always get that, so that is what is great about chatting with other moms, you know you are not alone.

THANK YOU wmh I guess sometimes I just feel more alone than other times, you are right I do miss the praises and the social times at work where here at home I socializes with a 9 month old we only have one car so I cannot go anywhere I hav very few friends in the area, But I am tryig to meet new people I have met some in my neighbor hood , I just have my moments. thanks again

Mamachele, you're not alone! I know I've felt the same way before; I think most moms do. The first time I stayed at home when my oldest was an infant, I know I felt that way. I had always worked, and sometimes I worked and went to school (both full time). So, it was a big change for me when I stayed home after the birth of my oldest. I had always done well in my jobs, but this "job" was totally different! I did get past it, and I loved being at home with my daughter. Now that I am home again with my other daughter, I still enjoy it. Believe me, I understand how you feel. Most all my friends are working, so hubby gets most of my craziness lately! Your job as a SAHM is just as important as any other job, plus you have better rewards (like when your baby smiles at you, hearing first words, watching first steps, etc). When your son is older, he will praise you and reward you even more! I know my girls love me being at home. My oldest has even said that she doesn't want me to work again. We'll see.

Hope things get better for you, you always have us PolkMoms to help and encourage! Just remember that you are not alone, most moms are in the same situation or have been in the same situation! I'm sure you are doing a great job with your son.

quote:

Originally posted by mamachele:
1st and formost I am not comparing what we do but I am having trouble in my mind

I am a SAHM trying to keep my sanity I have always been the hard worker mangeing people and getting things done moving up the chain of comand a any job I had.

Now I feel that the SAHM is made to feel not good enough from society. but on the same note If we choose to go to work we get looked down apon for not staying at home and raising our children and taking care of the family.

My delema is I only have one child Van Who I love more than anything in the world I spend more time with him than anything so I feel guilty for not getting the simple things done like house work Laundry, gardening, vacuuming etc.. I pretty much just make Breakfast lunch and dinner,,
I see moms who do everything and go to work tell me how you do it I can't seem to manage myself for anything I have weeks where I can do it all then the very next I am completely hormonal, can't peel me off the floor with the baby.
Since I made the decision to be SAHM We have been Financally strapped, and I believe it would be worse If I worked becaue daycare would just eat my paycheck, so I believe we made the right decision but I just cannot come to terms with the fact that (as my husband says) my jobs is equally if not more important than his he brings in the money but I am MOM.
I can say my Job is the most important but inside I feel like I need to do more. I was raised to be independent, maybe its haveing to rely on someone

I feel like I lost my identy How do I get it back or like who I am now. Has any one else felt that way if so How did you get thru it?

Sorry for being so long winded I just don'tknow how to get out what I feel.

Michele,

Forgive me, but you are doing THE BEST thing with Van by tending to HIM!

Secondly, those working moms are probably having good days (we're more apt to share on our good days what works or when we're past that "season" of challenge in our lives) when they tell you how they get it all done, and think about it.......their children may very well be at school so their homes may stay cleaner longer???/

Also, you don't "see" what other moms do or subject themselves to in order to get it "all done."

I learned when I was still teaching that what wasn't done by 3:30 would HAVE to wait! I brought that philosophy into my motherhood. What isn't done by whatever time the boys are in bed, will HAVE to wait! I can ALWAYS find something to do, something to clean, work to be done.

Van is still little and growing and changing and developing FAST, so ENJOY this time. This "season." Oh, and "only one" can sometimes feel like an army of children. We have two and many times, we feel like they are many. I used to say the same thing, almost apologetically. Like I was less than when I saw others with more than two. I had to give that up, I had little energy for my own who mattered more. Don't discount yourself. Live up to YOUR standards, not what you think others' are.

My sister just said something to me about "seasons" and I just loved it. I hold it close.

What works today, may not tomorrow, as the converse is also true, what doesn't work, may soon enough.

Give yourself some credit. You are taking care of and loving that little boy of yours. It won't matter in the long run if all your laundry was done on your time table so long as Van's needs are met.

I think it may be more of a need for you to feel OK that you are having such a good time with him, let go of the guilt! He'll be better off knowing his needs were met over the laundry being in their drawers.

BUT, I'll offer a few things that MAY or may not help.

Throw a load of laundry in as soon as you get up. Listen for the buzzer and those items that need hanging up (so they won't wrinkle, needing ironing and thus adding to your time dilemma) and hang them immediately. The rest can go on the coach or a bed to be folded as you feel up to it or while watching a program, even one with Van or your husband later in the evening.

Bring Van into the kitchen with you and hand him some plastic things that he can just put onto the bottom rack of the washer (if you are alright with it being loaded any which way, some moms aren't and this would stress them out. It does me when it's my husband, not the boys though ) Put in some music as you tend the dishes and tell yourself that whatever you can get done in 2 or 3 songs will be, and then stop yourself at your stopping point. You could soak the dishes so that they need less time and you can just put into the washer.

REST when Van does. Set limits for yourself and stick to them. You can't and won't get it "all" done anyway, you can ALWAYS find something more to do. And you shouldn't try to knock yourself out for the sake of what someone else has shared in "getting it all done."

You are NOT "relying" on your husband, but the two of you have different roles now, not just both bringing in money. Your role has shifted and you are instilling in Van what he'll look for in a wife (albeit years from now - lolol - BUT, it begins when they are little in my humble opinion) and you are teaching him valuable parenting and home skills, too. The outcome is just as valuable as the financial your husband is bringing in currently.

I can hear the angst in your post and how you are torn. Continue reminding yourself as you play with Van the importance you are to him.

Staying home can be and is for many a huge financial sacrifice for families. I can relate to that!

I think the older Van gets, you'll see the reward you are seeking emerge. Right now you are in the thick of feeling icky and not feeling you have a clear understanding of personal identity/purpose or any tangible reward (as the monetary gain from working can bring) and are dealing with guilt about it all.

I think being able to manage it "all" goes in spurts. Some weeks, even days, are great and everything gets done as I want it and other times, don't just drop in!

Homeschooling (or being home with children period) presents its own set of challenges for us, since we are home every single day at some point and always have any number of things out, being created, or are working on that I look at it all like they are learning SOMEthing in it all, even if they need to move the laundry over to do it!

A sense of humor goes a long way at our home, but not one I always have handy either.

It sounds like your husband is very considerate of what you are going through. Embrace that and the fact you have this time with Van.

I hope something here helps you. Let us know if you discover something that works for you!


Michelle

I do know how you feel as I am a stay at home mom to a 17 month old little girl. There are times when it feels like there are three of her with all that she gets into, literally as soon as I clean up her last mess. I also feel that I can never get enough done and somehow don't "contribute" enough to our household. My fiance' tells me all the time " you are spending much needed time with our daughter at the most critical time of learning in her life" (bless his heart, he is working two jobs just to make sure that we are taken care of). Still I feel as Michelle said "inadequate". Somehow you just dont think of staying at home as a mom excuses you from not getting all the housework done, even with taking care of a little one. I am about to go back to work because I have felt so guilty and responsible for making my fiance' work two jobs, even though he says he will do whatever it takes to make sure we have everything we want and need. I feel that my daughter is starting to get to that point where she needs to interact more with children her age. And, as much as I feel guilty for saying this, work will be a little break for me. I feel like sometimes I need to get away, especially since I have been with her 24/7 since she was born. So I think it will all work out for me. I hope that you do realize that being a momma is the best job ever though, and a hard one at that!!! It is impossible to get everything done that needs to be done, so what if the laundry isn't folded and put away all at once. Loving that little boy and playing with him and teaching him those new little words is the most beneficial thing you are doing right now!! 15 years from now he won't remember that mommy didn't do all of the laundry and put it away immediately, he will remember that his momma was loving him and taking good care of him!!! I hope this helps you!!!!!

i too feel this way. and i'm sooo happy to hear that not everyone has a sparkling clean house. thank you!!!! i feel guilty also for not keeping up with my house and not working. but i love spending time with my 2 1/2 yrold. i feel happy if i get 1 thing cleaned a day plus dinner made. the thing that works best for me to have dinner on the table is to start it while she is napping. like peeling potatoes they can sit in a pot of water for a while. or have everything you need sitting on the counter for when you do want to start, then it's all out all ready.
my laundry sometimes sits in the dryer for days, if it gets too wrinkled in there just turn the dryer on for a couple mins and the wrinkles come out.
my mom was also a stay at home mom while i was growing up so i know she did a good job. and i really appreciate her for staying at home with us. and i hope my daughter feels the same way when she gets to have kids!!!

I am sooooo Happy that all of you have or do feel the way I do at times sometimes more than less, I believe a I have pretty good routine and laundry pretty much gets washed but not folded or put away unless the hubby does it,
I know being financailly strapped does not help but we are trying.. I just get really bad days and need that boost. usually I have noticed is during th PMS time so I am working on that too with less salt and Chocolate.

By the Time I get a good routine down it Changes but that is part of being a mom adaptive as we are.
My Heart goes out to everyone

All of you have been so supportive thank you