Wow, seems I'm not alone in the fact that it was later in life that my relationship with my Dad got better. But in his defense, there were reasons I didn't know of when I was younger for some of his actions (or inaction more often), and he made some real amends and apologies for being an absentee Dad for parts of my life, although those explanations came late, in the last few years before he passed away, it still helped tremendously. I feel very blessed for having had those last years of getting to know him better, not only as an adult, but as a Mom myself, but also because my younger kids were able to have meet him and know him before he did pass on.

Here's from my own experience, it did hurt badly, and made me very angry when someone sickeningly inferred I had an Oedipus Complex very shortly after my Dad passed away, not only because I was grieving, but with that person not knowing anything of consequence about me and my Dad's relationship, or any of the facts, or that I was grieving with a very natural regret for those lost years. And this is only one of the numerous easily understood reasons I say what I must say now. Sometimes you should NOT reconcile with a person incapable of treating you right, at least never to the degree of giving them openings to do you more harm.

I really have no problem understanding where in some cases people are hellbent on avoiding certain situations, certain people. Sometimes it's a matter of intelligent self~preservation, and has nothing to do with whether or not you forgive. Someone close to me once told me, if a person in your life is doing you more harm than good, and you know that's not going to change from enough experience with that person, then you're better off without them. And if you're better off without someone in your life, it's rather foolish to ignore that. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice kinda thing. (Although, I know I've tried harder with some familial relationships just for that reason) because there I do believe in going the extra mile, sometimes much further than that, but whatever you know you can sensibly afford. But, and this is important to remember, if it's more than your own family can afford to risk or deal with, you have to do what's best for your own household, family, especially your kids. It may be sad, but some efforts, and people are literally just not worth damaging your own family for. It's one thing when you only have yourself to think about, but some things as a parent you just can't overlook or take chances with. And that's where I draw the line, I know I will not let ANYONE I know is a risk to my family's well~being have the opportunity, end of story. And by anyone, I mean anyone, I knew to be a proven bad risk. I've learned that lesson the hard way, some people want another chance, but... just to hurt you (or yours) worse. Some people aren't stable & might even want to do what's right one minute, but forget all their good intentions the next moment. And just keep on repeating that pattern...

So, sometimes real life is really tough. and sometime you have to make honest assessments and forget the pollyanna fantasies. Life is made up of all degrees of individuals, every situation different, and each one must be guaged & dealt with accordingly,

Well, I apologize for rambling, but those have been my insights. I'm really glad to hear of some inspiring reconciliations that have worked out, some do thankfully, I know that too, and I think when it does, that's truly wonderful, and I'm very happy for you ladies. And enjoy the upcoming Father's Day with your Dads (whether in person or otherwise.) I know I can't help but miss my Dad, still, and I'm not the least bit ashamed to say so.

But I will happily celebrate with my husband and his Dad, whom I consider a second Father, (although admittedly, sometimes he can be more like an overgrown kid himself.) And I'm equally thrilled that our adopted daughter recently met her biological Dad for the first time, as well as her older brother, and I know it's been good for her to make that connection after 19 years never having met them. Without the crucial parental connections, I know a lot of people tend to have less positive relations on the whole, because everyone needs to know their parents. That's one of our most important connections in life. When any parent is missing, it's tough, but especially when it's an unnecessary loss or one where the child does not understand why, then the child often suffers throughout life, even into adulthood. So, I am very glad to see (and hear) there have been some other positive reunions of this sort.

Guitarjee-I talked to my Pastor one time about the situation with my dad and how when my mom was alive (they divorced when I was 4) and I was married the first time (he did not like my first husband) he just seemed to continue to hurt my brother and I over and over again. I continually said I feel like all I am doing is forgiving him and I just don't want to try anymore. He told me something I will never forget. He said Lisa I really do not think the Lord ever intended someone to continue to put themselves in a place where they were constantly hurt. I decided to stop trying so hard to restore the relationship and I let go of any expectations I had. For the longest time, I think I only saw my dad on birthdays and holidays. When my mother died and then my husband died and I spoke at their funerals-I think my dad's opinions changed and he realized he may have been wrong about a lot of things. he has never apologized for anything and I still do not have a lot of expectations about things, but I know he is at least trying to change some things in our relationship.

I think so many people allow expectations to be one thing when deep down they probably know the person will not live up to them. I definetly learned that the hard way!

P.S. Adoption is very close to my heart and I would love to be able to do it one day, but my husband is scared to death to even think about it! My mom due to some major circumstances in her life gave up her first born son. He will never have the opportunity to meet her as she passed away before he found us, but him and I have a very good relationship! And the funny thing is we grew up in two very different families he was rich, I was poor, he lived in Maine, me here, different family situations such as a mother, father and siblings, etc. Me just a mother and brother. Yet we are so similiar it scares the bejesus out of me. When I met him it was like we had known each other our whole lives! Interesting story how we met, I will share it sometime. Thanks for sharing, I found it very interesting.

Lisa

Lisa, that's an amazing story. My dad & I were close, but had many personality issues, too much alike in attitude! Mom & I were fine until I became an adult. She died some years ago & I wasn't even at the funeral. I have two sisters in SC, but we are estranged. I tried to fic that a few years ago with no real luck. My brother in TX & I are still close. However, I also have an older sister, my dad's daughter. We managed to find each other a few years ago. It's so amazing to me that she & I are so much alike! Like you, we were not raised by the same parents, yet we are so very much sisters of the heart. She lives in VT & we have yet to physically meet. Had hoped to do so this summer, but gas prices etc. Anyway, we love & pray for each other always. And we pray for our siblings.

quote:

Originally posted by Scrappin mom:
Guitarjee-I talked to my Pastor one time about the situation with my dad and how when my mom was alive (they divorced when I was 4) and I was married the first time (he did not like my first husband) he just seemed to continue to hurt my brother and I over and over again. I continually said I feel like all I am doing is forgiving him and I just don't want to try anymore. He told me something I will never forget. He said Lisa I really do not think the Lord ever intended someone to continue to put themselves in a place where they were constantly hurt. I decided to stop trying so hard to restore the relationship and I let go of any expectations I had. For the longest time, I think I only saw my dad on birthdays and holidays. When my mother died and then my husband died and I spoke at their funerals-I think my dad's opinions changed and he realized he may have been wrong about a lot of things. he has never apologized for anything and I still do not have a lot of expectations about things, but I know he is at least trying to change some things in our relationship.

I think so many people allow expectations to be one thing when deep down they probably know the person will not live up to them. I definetly learned that the hard way!

P.S. Adoption is very close to my heart and I would love to be able to do it one day, but my husband is scared to death to even think about it! My mom due to some major circumstances in her life gave up her first born son. He will never have the opportunity to meet her as she passed away before he found us, but him and I have a very good relationship! And the funny thing is we grew up in two very different families he was rich, I was poor, he lived in Maine, me here, different family situations such as a mother, father and siblings, etc. Me just a mother and brother. Yet we are so similiar it scares the bejesus out of me. When I met him it was like we had known each other our whole lives! Interesting story how we met, I will share it sometime. Thanks for sharing, I found it very interesting.

Lisa

Lisa, I am waiting for that book you need to write!

I just saw that the Florida Aquarium is hosting their

BEER and FOOD From All Over the World Under One Reef on Saturday June 14th from 7pm-11pm

If you have dads who are into beer (and food) this may be be your ticket!


Also, having children create a tie (if Daddy wears one either to work or church), they can do hand/foot prints or you can print on iron-on paper photographs for a tie that you iron on.

You could have your children hand write a sweet message or even just "I Love You Daddy," then, you scan it into the computer and print on iron-on paper to iron onto the tie, too. Many ideas with iron-on and pictures, etc.

We made a Bible/church bag for GrandMa (mother-in-law) of various photographs the boys chose and it was a favorite given and received. So, same idea with Father's Day- shirts, Bible covers, ties, golf club covers - not sure what they are called???, etc.



Michelle

quote:

We made a Bible/church bag for GrandMa (mother-in-law) of various photographs the boys chose and it was a favorite given and received.

quote:

How sweet. A favorite received, huh? I would think/hope each and every gift from every grandkid would make that special list.

I'm sure my equally grand kid's GrandMa (mother ~in~law) will appreciate this...idea...of yours. Sooo creative too..

BTW ~ you found the link already for dust mites attack I see.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pSOa0MW2log.


And see, that wasn't too hard. But it was oh, so scary,wasn't it? Even I had to cover my eyes.. Kidding. I really do think it was pretty kidsafe, (although, the kids very well could develop a giggle attack like my son did. But so glad you didn't just take my word for it, after requesting the link in the first place. Never know, I might just be the big bad wolf, LOL

Although, if you were just making the point that parents need to beware,. that I do understand given some of the very real threats parents should be on guard for.


As far as the computer goes, my husband has limited the access to what my son has access too with various computer controls. But thanks for the reminder. Again, I don't know the first thing about it, but my husband was the computer guy for the entire clinic he works at for years before they finally hired a computer specialist to come aboard. But that was in addition to hubba's job dealing with the clinic's finances, and he was the one telling them they needed to get someone on fulltime to takeover the computer stuff, he was worn out covering two fulltime jobs. So, everybody's happy now.

Scrappin mom ~

Thankyou for sharing, if Shawn says you should write a book, I'm betting you've got some pretty interesting stories to share. I hope one day soon, I get to hear some of them, if not read them.

Everybody tells me I should write a book! Maybe one day I will. I think I will have to wait a while to write the book though as a lot of my life evolves around things that happened due to my dad's absence and he thinks my mom made up stories and convinced us to believe them. Anyway, one day. I have always told everybody to save my signature-one day it will be famous!

P.S. One time I won the right to be a contestant in a Monica Lewinsky contest, but on our way we could lost and I was to late I probably would have won! I will have to show the pictures as soon as I find them-my MIL has them somewhere.

That would've been my kind of luck too, lol.
But you did very well, you won a right to be a contestant.

I really do hope to hear some of your stories eventually.

Lisa, your pastor is right on! Is that Valerie's husband? Wise statements.

I have also learned that sometimes people hurt so much they realize not the error of their ways when they constantly impart dishonor and pain to others.

Another thing, apologizing is a difficult thing. But, it is your father's journey. Yours (as I've learned myself in many a personal situation) is to forgive. Sounds like you have well worked on that end.

Also, God doesn't want us to relinquish power to others but turn to Him for the peace and guidance we need.

Boy have I had a couple people work hard to push my buttons and attempt to bring me down, but once I took that power away and placed it where it belongs, all it became was futile and wasted efforts that took up their time, not mine.

I've had many a persons tell me I need to write a book, too. lol So, a couple of bestselling authors around Polk Moms, eh?!


PS-----My sister and I have this thing about expectations being premeditated resentments. We try not to have them because inevitably, resentment ensues. Again, sounds like you are of the same mindset as myself.

I am also very glad to hear your brother located you and that you have a great relationship. Relationships take work, but can be worth it.


Michelle

Yes that was Valerie's husband. I decided to call my dad today and ask him if I could take him to lunch on Sunday-we are going to Red Lobster-my question is am I wrong for letting him know I am taking him to lunch and if is wife wants to go she needs to pay for hers? I really love her, but I really cannot afford to pay for everyone.

quote:

Originally posted by guitarjee:

my husband was the computer guy for the entire clinic he works at for years before they finally hired a computer specialist to come aboard. But that was in addition to hubba's job dealing with the clinic's finances, and he was the one telling them they needed to get someone on fulltime to takeover the computer stuff, he was worn out covering two fulltime jobs. So, everybody's happy now.

Then maybe he'd be willing to offer some suggestions on what we can do with ours??? We WELCOME ANY suggestions or insight into what could be the trouble or what to ask either our service provider or our computer shop techs.

Check out my thread on COMPUTER PROBLEMS in this Mom to Mom Section.

Your "hubba" sounds like he was a great help to his company, too! I wish we knew more about the ins and outs of computers, but at least I know enough to save and print pictures, school work, and letters. Very basic stuff.


Michelle



AND, I hope everyone at Polk Moms had a fantastic Father's Day!

To be honest, I don't want to even tell my hubba anymore when something goes amiss with our computer, he groans and growls, even now. He got very burnt out on fixing computers during that time period, almost as burnt out as he got repairing the house after the huge oak tree fell on it after hurricane Jeanne. (He spent 6 months rebuilding things himself, this was after work every night & entire weekends, he was so totally exhausted.) I helped where and when I could, but I was limited. To this day he avoids home fixing projects, and we both used to enjoy them.

But I wish you best of luck and hope you can get yours fixed.