This applies to any mom with children they didn't personally bear on their own.

I am a step mom to 2 of my children. I LOVE them! I rarely even tell people they are my stepchildren. It makes me crazy when people assume that I don't love them as much as my biological children.

My feelings on this are: When you feed them long enough, they will start to look just like you . If you wash their underwear and kiss them goodnight every night, they’re yours!

When I am out with all my children, we get a lot of stares and comments. More than once, in front of my kids, I have people say, "Doesn't it take away from your own kids to have them?"
Them? You mean my children? uuugh! They are just as much mine as my blood babies! It seems some people can't understand you can love your steps/adopted children as much as biological kids.

Have any of you felt people have lack of confidence in you for loving your child because they are not blood born to you?
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I wanted to comment on this. Yes, it can be hard, people can be plainly insensitive. It's not even easy for some with children from a previous marriage or relationship, as not everyone always believes in the equal theorum, but when you add a child that's not blood, at all, people don't always get it, that's for certain. But, they don't have to. I do think love is really the all~important element and if you have that, you're set, or at least, chances are you can conquer the problems that inevitably arise with any and every child somewhere along the line.

I know in our situation, adding a teen to the family mix was definitely questioned by some. And comments that were hurtful have even been made over the years, but overall, I've been blessed to have the family I do, and if I had to do things over again, I only wish I'd known my adopted daughter when she was younger, and had even more time with her, as she's stretching her adult wings these days and we very nearly lost her last year to a tragic accident.

As I've mentioned in other places, I have an unrelated, but remarkable grandson, Davvin. He lives with his maternal grands in SC now. I love him as my own, did from the first time I ever saw him at three. I had him living in my home for about a year also. I would have adopted him along with his brother, Hayden. However, it was NOT what was best for Davvin. He needed & wanted to be with his "real" family as he called his SC family. We had to fight Gulfcoast/DCF to finally get him "home," but---. Now, I rejoice, like every grandmother when I hear his voice, as on Mother's Day, or when we visit him in SC. His grands also bring him down to FL. We all love this little boy, and blood has nothing at all to do with it! Every child is special.

While I haven't had to deal with this as a parent, I grew up with these issues. I have two older brothers who are "technically" my half brothers. We do not have the same biological fathers. However, my biological father adopted them legally before I was ever born.
We (the boys and I) look nothing alike. The oldest is of Asian desent while I was a blonde fair-skinned child. So we constantly got the "you aren't real brother and sister." When we explained the situation people would say "oh, so you're half-siblings" or "I see, he's really your dad but not theirs." That irritated me to no end! Those boys are my BROTHERS. Period, end of story. No half, no adopted, just my brothers. My dad treated them the same as me, and loved them just as he loved me. The way I look at it, he didn't have a choice with me (I was just too darn cute ), but he CHOSE to love those boys, which almost makes it that much more special.
His blood may not run through them, but our Dad was the one that took care of them when they were sick, put a roof over their heads, food on their tables, helped them with their homework, led their Boy Scout troop and helped them through their problems. HE is their DAD, not their biological fathers.
Today both of my brothers are dads themselves, and while their biological fathers are both in their lives in a "friendship" capacity, it is our Dad who is PopPop to the kids and who they still turn to.
Blood doesn't make you a parent, love does.
Sorry for the long-winded comment, but in case you couldn't tell this is a topic that has long been a big deal to me!

LittleT, You said that your brothers have a friendship with their biological dad. I think that is great & very important. I have a question though, does it bother your dad that your brothers have contact with their biological dads?

The reason I am asking is growing up, I had a friend that lived with her real mom & step dad. All her life, because her mom had such a strong hatred for her dad, she was not allowed to have any contact with him, therefore she lost connection with that entire side of her family.

I know this story is not the same as yours, but I think it is great that your brothers have a connection with their biological fathers, even if it is just on a friendship basis.

Rella123 - That's a really good question. In general my dad supports and encourages their relationships with their biological fathers.

They've actually been in the picture my entire life. My parents made sure we always stayed in close touch with the grandparents (it wasn't their choice for their sons to be deadbeats) so that my brothers would know all of their family. I grew up calling them my grandparents and aunts and uncles too, but we all (the boys and I) referred to the guys by their first names. There was never any secrecy about the fact that they were the fathers, but there was also never any attempt by anyone to put them in the daddy role.

My mom and dad were both very careful to let my brothers know the truth about their dads (such as it was their choice not to be in the picture as "dad"), but not let their own grudges or ill-feelings overwhelm any love my brothers may still have for the guys.

My husband thinks we are the wierdest people in the world because we're ALL friends now. My sister-in-law's baby shower a couple years ago had my parents, both of the brothers' biological fathers and their new families and all the grands there - and we all get along really well!

I'm sure it was tough for my dad (and my mom) at times, but all I can say is my dad is a remarkable man. The only time I've ever seen it really bother him was when my sister-in-law insisted on referring to the biological father as my brother's dad when they first got married, rather than my dad. And then it was more of hurt feelings than anything.

Otherwise, my dad knows that while they may go to the other guys for some things and they may even on occasion as they've gotten older refer to the other men as their "fathers", he's the one they look at as dad and he's the one (along with my pretty amazing mom) who made them the great men they are today. So he encourages them to have an even bigger, loving family than most people have.

I know it sounds corny, but he really could be the lead character in Brad Paisley's song "He Didn't Have to Be."

It's extremely hard work to remain friends after a divorce. The children are worth all the effort. We all have a need to know, even if it's deeply hidden to "know" who we are, which is why we "grands" raising these siblings are working so hard to keep our children in touch with one another. It is the God given right that children always know as much love & family as possible.

quote:

Originally posted by Rella123:
LittleT, You said that your brothers have a friendship with their biological dad. I think that is great & very important. I have a question though, does it bother your dad that your brothers have contact with their biological dads?

The reason I am asking is growing up, I had a friend that lived with her real mom & step dad. All her life, because her mom had such a strong hatred for her dad, she was not allowed to have any contact with him, therefore she lost connection with that entire side of her family.

I know this story is not the same as yours, but I think it is great that your brothers have a connection with their biological fathers, even if it is just on a friendship basis.