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Having adopted my son's son under extreme circumstances, someday we are going to have to explain. I pray that both Dad & Mom will have straightened out their lives by then, but it's still going to be difficult. Even though we don't encourage Hayden calling us mommy & daddy, he does so. That he has already picked up on at church nursery. We did not change his name as we want him to know who he really is when the time presents itself. Meanwhile, we wonder how to explain that daddy has had no contact in a year & half, (his choice.) Mommy is in prison for aggravated child abuse, (on him.)Hayden is two now, very bright. He's going to ask questions sooner than we are prepared to answer. I want to be honest without hurting him emotionally. If at all possible, I want him to know ALL of his family. He has a half brother & half sister in SC being raised by other "grands." We do stay in touch with them as much as possible. Someday, these children will need each other.
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I am in the process of adopting an older child -- he just turned 11. He came from an extremely abusive mom (physical and mental) and dealt with much neglect; and he never really knew his real father.
Our son has made it his choice not to carry his family name when we adopt him -- we allowed him to pick his own name. Our son started calling us 'mama' and 'daddy' almost as soon as he was placed with us. Since he was much older, I feel that was his 'need' to feel permanancy and to feel he belongs to a 'family' since we were his 12th placement in 4 1/2 years (don't you just love the foster care system). He has an older brother who has been adopted by their paternal grandparents (not in the same state) -- but the grandparents could not handle both boys (our son is ADHD). We keep in contact with his brother/grandparents once a week with phone calls, and I do encourage writing / sharing pictures. I think keeping family ties are important also (like his brother and grandparents), but I will not allow any contact with his parents as I don't believe it is healthy. I will let my son make the choice of contact when his turns 18. Our biggest challenge right now is to teach him not to 'hate' his real mom and dad. We just explain that not all moms and dads are good at taking care of children. We don't talk too much about the 'bad' -- only when he talks about it - we allow him to express out his feelings. Again we reiterate that all parents do not know how to be 'good parents'. We try to bring up all the good things like his eyes, his smile, athletic abilities, etc. that he got from his birth parents. We also want him to know that he did nothing that caused him to lose his family (so many kids blame themselves for being taken away). This is our circumstance and how we are handling it -- realize this may not fit yours. ------------ As for how to answer questions from your child.... it may be best to be honest as you can -- but realize you do not need to go into details on the bad stuff. I think children should have the right to the truth, whether good or bad, about their lives. Realize their age when they ask questions as to the amount of detail. This is because a lot of children have the need to know more about themselves and who they really are (as they get older and more curious) -- as they had a history before being adopted. It would be good for them to know what they inherited from their parents (i.e. mannerisms, talents, health history, family tree, etc.). You can find out a lot of information from the 'grands'. There is a decent book which talks about this subject -- 'Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child' by Trish Maskew. This is just one of many books available. There is a wealth of information out there in books, articles, etc. The best thing you can do is to educate yourself and make the best choice based on your circumstances. ------------------ I just want to wish you the best -- as you have made a WONDERFUL choice in adopting this child. --EE |
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Most of this is common sense & I do understand. My concern is that because I am "Nanny," not mommy, that Hayden know one day who he is & where he came from, and since I can not hate my son, his dad, Hayden will not. As I do not hate his parents, he will be taught not to also. We are in touch with his mother in prison, and all maternal family in SC. I've worked hard to make that possible. As we also had the 7 year old half brother for nearly a year, it was a need that I had as well. I loved Davvin long before I ever knew there was to be a Hayden.
Do you not think that Hayden will one day wonder & ask about the circumstances? How does one explain that his birth mother may have tried to kill him at three weeks old? And his father chose drugs over him & has no contact? I pray that one day, both parents will change their lives & be known to Hayden.
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My son's situation is going to be tough for me to explain as well.
His birth mother was in Jail at the time he was delivered and it's possible his birth father and birth mother are 1st cousins. |
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It is best not to go into details of the circumstances of separation. You can keep it simple like -- your mom (and/or dad) did not know how to take care of you and made some bad choices. It is still the truth.
I too, know all the horrific details of what happened to my adopted son and his brother -- I will never tell of those details -- I think it would do more damage than good to let him know. That's my 2 cents worth.... --EE |
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Not that simple---too many know the whole story, including two older sibs. We will have to deal with the truth, as much as he asks or needs to know, at some point. Gory details, no. I know that when the time comes, with prayer, I will find the answers.
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