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Has anyone got any advice on how to help my children understand the sudden death of my brother? My boys are 3 and 10 and adored their uncle. I don't know what to do.

We dealt with the same situation last year. My brother passed away on March 31st. At the time I was 8 months pregnant and my nieces were five and my nephew was three days from his ninth birthday. The kids all loved my brother and my nephew was especially close with him. They undestood the finality of death but not the why. It was also hard for them to understand how someone that was basicly the same age as their parents (Jay was 38) could die. We encourged them to talk about their uncle and express how much they missed him. Even a year later they still make comments like "If Uncle Jay was here he would like that". I tell them that they have to tell my son stories about their uncle because he never got the chance to meet him. They enjoy this and as an adult it makes me sad, but as a child, it seems to comfort them. As far as dealing with their immediate grief just telling them its ok to be sad and also letting them know that they do not have to be sad all the time. It was hard for the girls to see my mom so sad and they had some feelings of guilt about things like wanting to go outside and play. We had to let them know it was ok still to have fun. My brothers favorite place was the beach so about a month after he died my mother took all the grandkids for the week and they spent the time just remembering him while having fun at his favorite place. It seemed to help them all heal. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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Originally posted by Tweetie:
Has anyone got any advice on how to help my children understand the sudden death of my brother? My boys are 3 and 10 and adored their uncle. I don't know what to do.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. I saw there is a thread here on helping children with grief. this is the link I found:

http://talk.polkmoms.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/8851070407/m/9981078017


I think that talking about the person who has passed away, and in your case your brother/their uncle will help them realize it is OK to still miss, love, and talk about him. I have heard people say they ignore their children's comments or shush them when they want to talk about whomever passed and I, personally, don't think this can be good. There is/was joy from their relationship with your loved one that can continue on from sharing that joy and love.

Peace be with you.

AJ, I also want to acknowledge your loss. It sounds like you embrace your nieces and nephew's need to love their Daddy and talk about him. Also, by sharing their experiences with your own son it'll continue that healing. He was obviously well loved, so take that with you in your days and when you miss him.

Hugs to you! Michelle

Thank you, I should clarify that my nieces and nephew are by my sisters so it was not their father but uncle who passed away. It has been so dificult for them to deal with an uncle passing I can only imagine the pain and loss those who lose a parent go through.

tweetie, first of all I want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss to you of a brother. How sweet of you to be thinking of the loss through your children's eyes and not your own.

I am so grateful not to have gone through death in the immediate with my wee ones personally.

I have had the after effects of my Austin and Brandon's loss of their biological mother. For them I think memories and talking about their loss helps them. So like the advice given before, I would let them talk of their feelings and you can talk with them about your own feelings of loss. Seeing your feelings will help bring a sense of normalcy to grief.

I do not know if there really is a good answer to this. Grief is so raw and hard.

I wish you luck, love and strength through your family’s sad time.

Tweetie,

My condolences, I know that has got to be terribly rough. I haven't been through the loss of a sibling, although, I lost my Dad going on 8 years ago, but about a year and a half ago, my best friend's husband lost his brother, her kid's Uncle. (He was also a friend of mine.) It was pretty devastating to her family, he was in a coma for months, so, in a way, you'd think when it finally happened it'd be easier. It really wasn't.

I wish I knew what to tell you that would help, but there's not a whole lot really. I know my friend's kids dealt better in the end with it, than did the parents, mostly due to the resilience of youth I think, but they did many of the things AJ mentioned, as in trying to find positive ways to remember him after the fact.

With kids, especially young ones, it's how they see you dealing with things, anything, that teaches them how to respond. I know you won't be able not to be sad, that's impossible, but if you are expressive about the wonderful or good parts of your brother's life, and focus on that as much as you can, at least in their presence, it might be somewhat easier for them to process it. Although, I do know grieving is never easy, not for us as adults, and kids, well, it's hard to say whether it's worse or easier really, as their understanding is even more limited in some ways. I pray you have the strength you need & the strength to help them at the same time.

lots of love, hugs and prayers

hi tweetie,
i was wondering how things were going?, how are the boys doing? and mostly, how are you?
i thought about you this week, as everyone knows i spent the past week at all childrens hospital, but i thought of you when i was speaking to another mom, about the loss of her boys father, it was pretty rough for her, and her boys. she actually had an idea that i thought might help you. she actually did this about a month or so after he passed, to kind of help them with thier greif and memories. she made a "burial box" for them (basically a shoe box) they decorated it with the things that he might like, they put things inside of it that they thought he might like to have in heaven (pictures, baseball cards, drawings, even the dogs play toy (he passed earlier in the year), and they burried it in the back yard, so he knew they hadn't forgot about him, and that they were still there for him, even though he was in heaven. it was kind of sweet. and i thought it might help. just a thought. i hope you are doing well,
shannon